“Here’s to my ex, hey look at me now, well I’m all the up I swear you’ll never bring me down.” ‘Shout Out to My Ex’ by Little Mix.
That song came on my car radio, and I found myself getting chills all over my body. Then I found myself belting it out as loud as I could with every part of me. This song is my jam, but not for why you might think. And this post, is probably my most deepest journey yet. I almost debated not writing it-but this is why I’m here. To inspire anyone I can reach to face and embrace, and most of all- accept and release.
My daughter’s natural dad and I split, mostly because I came home to his girlfriend in the living room of our apartment-playing with my daughter. At the time, of course I was upset. I was also so insecure I was upset for the wrong reasons. Blaming myself for not being good enough. Fast forward 6 years to the present time, and really, I’m so thankful I dodged that unhealthy relationship. Not because I hate him or blame him for all our problems, but because I would not have bloomed into my true self. I would have settled in the background and taught my daughter accidentally that it’s ok to have no self-worth.
Contrary to what you might think this post is not about him. Neither is the way the song hits me. This is about my daughter. I found this week to be one of the most challenging when it comes to intentions and really focusing my energy and time on myself and why I was spiritually at a screeching halt-unable to venture further.
My daughter. She was the light in my life when I needed it most. I’ve always been open about my past-always. I drank too much, smoked illegal grass, and cigarettes like they were nothing. I had no care in the world, and then she came along. I got pregnant and we weren’t even together-for a reason. Yet, there we were, a couple of kids not even old enough to drink yet (I was 20 at least), and we were going to “make it work for the baby”. I don’t regret that decision. Not a day in my life-because my daughter needs him. Whether I want to believe it, embrace it, or not-it’s the damn truth.
She goes every other weekend, and I’m not out here to air his or his gf’s faults, I have my own demons to fight. This post is going even deeper than them, they are just the objects I face within myself. They are the pillars of my darkness, not because of who they are- but because of my own thoughts and actions. Jealousy, anger, hurt-all those things I allow myself to fight, or fear, or react upon. But again, not for them-for her.
This angel I was given in my time of need, her beautiful soul and her amazingly big heart-she hurts, so I hurt, and I blamed them. They have a different lifestyle I do not necessarily agree with-but is that really my business? Yes. Yes it is. But not for me to judge, for me to fight. It is for me to understand all parts of my daughter. She is conflicted. Our households are 100% completely different.
She started calling my husband “Daddy”, when she was just 2 years old. We had been dating just a couple months, and he was changing her diaper. She looked up and said, “Thank you Daddy”. He was in shock. Haha, he is such a kind hearted man, he came downstairs to me and told me what happened, then immediately started apologizing and saying he didn’t make her say it, etc. So we sat her down. We explained she can call him whatever she wants-she is allowed to have two Dads. I remember her shrugging her shoulders and saying, “He’s my Dad….so…” and I knew then that this was the man that I was meant to have in my life. We do our best to keep her comfortable and attempt to balance her out when she comes home every other Sunday. We talk about things and we assure her that we just cannot make people think or act how we believe they should-it’s not our job. The best we can do is express our own thoughts and emotions, and if it is the choice to ignore them, we have no control over that.
We provide her a safe space, and her own journal that I swore to her I would never read. I have kept that promise. It’s important that she have her own space and her own time to gather herself. She has an exceptional gift of love that even I cannot compare to, and she doesn’t even know it yet. Her old soul is so full of knowledge that at 6 years old, many people ask me if she’s really 6 or just small for her age. She understands more than some adults, and she is non judgmental in the most sincerest way. I adore her. That, my friends, is why this hurts.
I could say it’s the way they run their lives and try to hurt me through her. I could say it’s all because of what they do. But that would be a lie. It is not what they do. It is what I do. My deepest, darkest part of me doesn’t have anything to do with my young childhood in foster care, or bouncing around home to home within the family and outside the family. It isn’t about my birth mom who passed away, or the miscarriage I experienced. My darkness, and my deepest scars, deepest thoughts and fears stem from the love I have for one little girl. A love I have to share every other weekend, and switch each year for holidays. A love that I so ever want control over, or at least a part of always; I want to care for this soul at all times and the fact that I do not know a thing about the world she goes to every other weekend-scares me.
That song is not about him. It’s not even about him finding another in his life. I am grateful they have each other, because I think everyone should have the option to go through life with someone. Although things they do/don’t believe in are different from mine and outrage me from time to time-it gives our daughter a different perspective. It gives her a glimpse into something that isn’t within her every day life with us. And for that, I am grateful. Through these experiences good or bad, she is learning tools and lessons that took me until I was a full adult to understand. I may not agree with it all the time, but that’s not for me to control.
I no longer harbor the hatred I once did. The journey this week was a big one. I will not apologize for any actions I may have done or even will do. Because I don’t believe anyone should. No one should look back and think, “I wish I didn’t do that.” instead, you should look back and think, “Why did I do that, what was I supposed to learn?”. I intended to write down everything I thought I had faced, and really dig deep to find what was truly going on within. I didn’t reach it the first day I intended-or really even the second day. It finally hit me when this song came on, and I started paying more attention to that darkness.
The second song that came on that truly made me think, was “Love Triangle” by RaeLynn. Holy. Crap. That song hit me like bricks one by one. Each verse poured through my car and I immediately thought of our daughter. In order for me to do the best I can for her in her split home life, is to accept and release.
I have never spoken ill of her natural father or his girlfriend. Ever. Nor do I ever intend to. She needs to make her own decisions about her life and her beliefs, and her love. That is not for me, or anyone, to make for her. Makes me sick to think of people saying horrible things to a child pertaining to someone/people they choose to love. I no longer harbor hate in that department either. If they would like to express their true thoughts about me to her-that is their choice, and I no longer hate them for it. I no longer harbor such negative energy toward them. I no longer let it burn inside my soul, blocking me from any advancement within my own self. I have allowed so much of what they do to bother me, that I forgot to really and truly: accept and release.
That’s what I did this week. I took the darkest part of my life, my soul, my being and I accept it. I took a step deeper, and I faced it head on. I am thankful for these times of anger and darkness, because it reminds me it is about me, not them. It is about myself, and how I choose to accept and release. But truly accepting and releasing is not just saying it. You have to embrace it. You have to dig into it, answer your “why?” questions, and be ok with your truest answers. You have to forgive yourself for thinking negative, for reacting negative, and get to understanding yourself on ever single level.
What will you discover about yourself when you dig deep? Maybe that situation you thought you “dealt” with, really isn’t resolved within you; at least not on a level you even knew about at the time.
I still have this darkness within me. I choose to embrace it, find what the root is, and accept it. I release any anger, or any “grudging” or harboring of ill will. I have found myself, and discovered things I never even knew. I intended something huge this week, and through little intentions, I did it. Intentions heed no judgement, no timeline, and no expectations. There is no right or wrong way to meet your intention, and no intention to be judged.
What will be your intention? Do you want to be more passionate? Do you want to be more inspirational? Your journey to your own intentions starts when you choose it. What will be your next choice? Dig deep, or meet small, the choice is yours. The beauty? No intention is better than another for they all want the same thing: You to find your true self.
Love to all. Even those I never thought I would say that to.