“I-I am s-s-so incredib-dib-dibly -s-s-sssoorrorry. I-I ammmm s-s-so sorority. P-Pl-Pleeeeaaaseeasse f-f-forgi-gi-give mmmeeee. I-I-I ammmm s-s-so sssssororrorryy.” I sobbed the words over and over while I gasped for air.
Two hours. That’s how long it took for my body to finally stop shaking, stop stuttering, and stop sobbing. I clung to our new puppy, sobbing uncontrollably.
Everything I’ve done wrong in the past few weeks slapping me
Failures as a mother, wife, and person came flooding in and it took so much out of me. Like waves crashing over and over. I would start to settle down and feel calm, and then it all would come flooding back. The unnecessary “no”s to the kids, the irrational anger at the husband, battling being sick and having no strength, having to miss work and sleep so much yet not be rested. It was too much.
I called a good friend, because I didn’t want to call my husband and make him upset. He is an amazing man, just not good with the anxiety issues and heightened emotions. “Hello? What is wrong?” And it all poured out. The stutters, the sobs, the thoughts-all of it. She got me mostly calm. I had a deep breaths and words of encouragement.
Once we got off the phone the husband called, and he did his best. I couldn’t stop. I clung to the puppy once more. Apologizing to him, to the universe, and to myself. I cried out in so much pain. So much anger and sadness and negativity. So overwhelmed.
Once the waves of emotion stopped coming on so strong, I finally took a real breath. My eyes were poofy. My face hurt-my heart and soul hurt even more. I was a wreck. I documented it. Needed to. Because others need to know they are not alone. Those hopeless and helpless feelings. The breakdown. This is what real life and real truths looks like.
To authentically be yourself you must feel everything. Everything. This is part of me. Hopefully as I begin to feel each emotion as they come, and not wait until it builds up- the intensity of those moments lessen in length.
The very first time this happened, I was at the clinic for a follow up appointment for the miscarriage. I went into the restroom, and for some reason when I came out I required a wheelchair. I was stuttering uncontrollably and my entire body shook with intensity. They took me to the emergency room, and it took 5 hours, and a muscle relaxer to get my body and stutter under control. 5 hours I laid there shaking, stuttering, and crying.
They told me it was a severe migraine that provided stroke like symptoms-but I did not suffer a stroke. It was terrifying. For 5 hours I didn’t know what was happening to me and I had no control over my body.
Believe it or not, this last time was reassuring. It only lasted 2 hours! And I didn’t need a muscle relaxer, I needed to work through it all.
As parents, we are really hard on ourselves. Whether we were too tired to do their Reading activity for the night, or feel guilty for telling them they were just horrible (while trying to play referee and drive safely at the same time).
As spouses or partners, we are also hard on ourselves. For not being as intimate as you feel you should/as you want to be. For being too exhausted from every day life to have a real conversation. For missing the “old days” when you couldn’t keep your hands off each other or go a minute without wanting to talk with them. And the guilt of holding in the little things that have begun to bother you-only to explode and bring it all out later in an unrelated situation. (We all do if I think at some point!)
As human beings, we put a lot of pressure and expectations on ourselves. Guilt for liking something that isn’t the norm. Searching for approval from others and not even realizing it. Awakening to new things and feeling alone (which your are definitely not). Even our body appearance weighs on the mind in different ways.
I was feeling guilt for all of the above, and for just being exhausted. I had pushed my limit to make others happy, and it really backfired, and I believe that’s also why I got as sick as I did.
After I took my time, calmed down, and really got in tune with what I wanted and needed-I got to work. I mean I really looked at myself hard and got going on things that would be easy changes.
But that’s inspiration for the next time we meet. Have you had any of the guilt described above? Does this picture remind you of days you have had? Unfiltered, poofy, and vulnerable?