Since I am starting this on a Saturday, I’m going to make up for yesterday’s post that should have occurred (Mom duties may have slightly prevented that-my bad. It will probably happen again.)
The water was running down my face, my neck, my body. As I stand there in the shower a fear comes over me. I look down at the tub. I close my eyes, and I sit down. I take in a deep breath and I relax. As the water pours down I realize nothing is changing. There is no physical response to this fear: I am perfectly fine.
You see this is the first time I have sat in that tub in over a year. September 2015 we were told the baby we were excited to have was not there. The ultra sound was just an empty hole. A place that was ready for a baby-but no baby occupied that empty space. I remember collapsing after they told us. My husband held me and my body gave out. Eventually what was pain and hurt turned into anger. “Just get it out. I just want all this shit out of me.” I remember saying. That’s when I stopped sobbing, got angry, and we went to speak with the Dr. I was given the medication to start the “miscarriage” process. It was on a Friday, and I began the medication that night. The physical pain mixed with the emotional pain was extreme. If you have ever endured this pain in any sense-my heart goes out to you.
I sat in the tub, blood gushing, and I just sobbed. I sat in there for a long time-what felt like hours, but was probably more like one hour at a time. All I could do was cry. I had no control over the blood. No control over the loss I felt-and I was angry. Angry that I couldn’t carry our third child. Angry that I was “ripped off” by life “once again”. From every time on-I could not take a bath. I could not sit in that tub. Each time I tried, I could only sit and sob.
Today, over a year later, I overcame. I made that intention this morning, I was going to conquer my reaction to a deep, wounded, fear. I have many to choose from, and I wasn’t sure which one would come out-until I looked down at that tub. For some reason a sense of calm washed over me, and as I sat there I began to relax more and more. I sat for a while, I’m not sure how long, and then my little 3yo came in. As he was yapping away and brushing his teeth I realized I am still sitting in relaxation. It was a feeling of release. I felt as if I have reached the top of the mountain. It was wonderful.
Intentions-something that doesn’t have an expiration or a consequence. If you do not reach your intention the first time around-try again. Intentions are not without mistakes. Embrace your mistakes, your negativity-then spin it into a positive. Each thought, action, & reaction is a lesson. Good or bad the universe is teaching you something. Take that moment to search within yourself and find out what you needed from that.
I learned from the experience of losing what I thought I was going to have. I learned that I needed to be okay with not having everything I wanted or planned. I was okay when things didn’t go my way on every single level of life. Sitting in that tub this morning, letting the water cascade down was almost a closure of that teaching. I have achieved the level of understanding I needed from this lesson.
What fear will you explore of yours today? Get to know that fear-inside and out. Do not intend to destroy it-intend to explore and conquer your reaction to it.
Love to all.