The memory of blood stopped me every time. Until today.

Since I am starting this on a Saturday, I’m going to make up for yesterday’s post that should have occurred (Mom duties may have slightly prevented that-my bad. It will probably happen again.)

The water was running down my face, my neck, my body. As I stand there in the shower a fear comes over me. I look down at the tub. I close my eyes, and I sit down. I take in a deep breath and I relax. As the water pours down I realize nothing is changing. There is no physical response to this fear: I am perfectly fine.

You see this is the first time I have sat in that tub in over a year. September 2015 we were told the baby we were excited to have was not there. The ultra sound was just an empty hole. A place that was ready for a baby-but no baby occupied that empty space. I remember collapsing after they told us. My husband held me and my body gave out. Eventually what was pain and hurt turned into anger. “Just get it out. I just want all this shit out of me.” I remember saying. That’s when I stopped sobbing, got angry, and we went to speak with the Dr. I was given the medication to start the “miscarriage” process. It was on a Friday, and I began the medication that night. The physical pain mixed with the emotional pain was extreme. If you have ever endured this pain in any sense-my heart goes out to you.

I sat in the tub, blood gushing, and I just sobbed. I sat in there for a long time-what felt like hours, but was probably more like one hour at a time. All I could do was cry. I had no control over the blood. No control over the loss I felt-and I was angry. Angry that I couldn’t carry our third child. Angry that I was “ripped off” by life “once again”. From every time on-I could not take a bath. I could not sit in that tub. Each time I tried, I could only sit and sob.

Today, over a year later, I overcame. I made that intention this morning, I was going to conquer my reaction to a deep, wounded, fear. I have many to choose from, and I wasn’t sure which one would come out-until I looked down at that tub. For some reason a sense of calm washed over me, and as I sat there I began to relax more and more. I sat for a while, I’m not sure how long, and then my little 3yo came in. As he was yapping away and brushing his teeth I realized I am still sitting in relaxation. It was a feeling of release. I felt as if I have reached the top of the mountain. It was wonderful.

Intentions-something that doesn’t have an expiration or a consequence. If you do not reach your intention the first time around-try again. Intentions are not without mistakes. Embrace your mistakes, your negativity-then spin it into a positive. Each thought, action, & reaction is a lesson. Good or bad the universe is teaching you something. Take that moment to search within yourself and find out what you needed from that.

I learned from the experience of losing what I thought I was going to have. I learned that I needed to be okay with not having everything I wanted or planned. I was okay when things didn’t go my way on every single level of life. Sitting in that tub this morning, letting the water cascade down was almost a closure of that teaching. I have achieved the level of understanding I needed from this lesson.

What fear will you explore of yours today? Get to know that fear-inside and out. Do not intend to destroy it-intend to explore and conquer your reaction to it.

Love to all.

5 thoughts on “The memory of blood stopped me every time. Until today.

  1. chaos-xd says:

    Wow this was so painful to read! My heart goes out to you for sharing this heart breaking experience with us!
    I’m so happy you found yourself out of the haunted darkness!

    I love how you’ve ended this with a positive note.
    “I learned that I needed to be okay with not having everything I wanted or planned.”
    Of course.. thats one piece of the puzzle of finding happiness!

    Liked by 1 person

      • chaos-xd says:

        Indeed accepting and releasing is always the most painful of them all.

        I’ve held pride in being through hard
        times. I often considered myself to be a fighter for all the challenges I’ve overcome in life. But reading your story I understand how stronger someone could actually be, to face the painful realities you’ve passed in life! Once again.. hats off to you gurl!

        Liked by 1 person

      • journeytointentions says:

        Right back at you! 😉 We all have our demons, our struggles; while I know mine could be so much worse, I really think it’s how we learn from it, and we should never stop learning! Looking forward to reading more of your chapters!

        Liked by 1 person

      • chaos-xd says:

        Thankyou so much! Almost all my posts are about the struggles and demons of my life. Having someone strong like you whose been deep into the darkest depths comment on them would be overwhelming! Take your time 👍

        Liked by 1 person

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